Personality vs. Trauma - Understanding the Origins of Our Responses
By Melody Wright, LMFT
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The moment we experience something traumatic, whether an event or endure prolonged exposure to stress, our brains begin to program themselves to survive.
We develop ways to respond to keep us safe.
Whether we’re considering our minds, bodies, and emotions we naturally develop ways to protect ourselves.
These are called trauma responses.
Interestingly, we can become so used to feeling the need to protect ourselves that our trauma responses become what some consider their personalities.
Have you ever considered yourself a people pleaser?
Or maybe you feel the need to take control of every situation you’re in.
These can oftentimes be thought of as “just who you are”, however, these could also be trauma responses.
Just as Bessel van der Kolk wrote, “Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” Trauma is like a puzzle, and knowing how you respond is like finding the first piece.
It’s not about labeling yourself, it’s about becoming aware and learning how to cope and find healing and resilience.
In this blog, we will explore four common trauma responses and how to navigate them.
Fight: Confronting the Storm
The fight response looks a lot like it sounds.
When confronted with perceived danger, some of us instinctively activate the fight response. This response is a response of self-preservation.
It can manifest as a surge of adrenaline, a sharpening of focus, and an intense readiness.
If you have a predominant fight response you might find yourself prone to confrontations, whether verbal or physical.
You may become assertive, defensive, or even hostile when faced with challenges.
While this response can be adaptive in certain situations, it can also lead to relationship difficulties and a heightened state of stress.
However, this response can reveal itself in other ways like publicly outing a cheating partner or spreading a rumor about a coworker who upset you.
Flight: Seeking Safety in Escape
Have you ever found yourself attempting to deny emotions that might come up in you?
Or maybe you retreat to somewhere you find safe if you are confronted with an uncomfortable situation. This is the flight response.
Just like fight, flight is a survival mechanism, used to protect oneself from perceived harm.
Suppose the flight response is prominent for you.
In that case, you might find that you immerse yourself in your studies to keep yourself occupied, proactively creating an escape plan whenever you enter a new place, or maybe drowning out arguments with music.
For those who feel they are perfectionist, you might find flight is your go-to trauma response because there is an underlying desire to prevent people from criticizing you.
You avoid confrontation.
This can also make relationships challenging.
Those who experience flight, tend to end relationships that might feel threatening to them. For example, you break up with them before they can break up with you.
Freeze: The Paralysis of Overwhelm
When thinking about the freeze response, think about the scene from The Notebook where Noah asks Allie “What do you want” and she responds “It’s not that simple!”.
Allie is having a hard time expressing her needs and is feeling indecisive.
Many people who experience the freeze response tend to have issues with expressing their needs and making decisions.
This is because your brain presses the pause button but continues to remain alert.
Those who experience the freeze response might find that you physically detach from the world by sleeping or not leaving your home. Some people even mentally check out by utilizing disassociation.
Fawn: The Dance of People-Pleasing
Do you ever find yourself consistently feeling the need to “keep the peace”?
If you answered “yes”, more than likely your trauma response is to fawn.
Those who experience this response might find themselves doing whatever they can to keep others around them happy to avoid friction.
You might find that boundaries around your own needs are very difficult to hold or communicate about.
This can include doing whatever your partner tells you even if you don’t want to, or doing whatever you can to keep your manager happy to avoid confrontation.
Navigating Your Trauma Response
Becoming aware of your trauma response is a pivotal step toward healing and growth.
After reading through the different responses, maybe you found yourself identifying with more than one. This is normal.
Your trauma responses can change over time and vary between different people involved or situations that arise. Here are a few steps you can take to navigate your trauma response and begin to heal.
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your typical responses in challenging situations. Do you tend to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn? You might find it helpful to keep a journal of the different situations you come up against and how you respond.
Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness and grounding techniques to stay present and connected to your body. Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help regulate your nervous system and reduce the intensity of trauma responses.
Seek Therapeutic Support: Seeking therapy can provide a safe space to explore and understand your trauma response. A therapist can offer guidance, support, and tools to help you navigate the impact of past experiences on your present behavior.
Cultivate Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthier alternatives. This might include practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and developing effective communication skills.
Final Reflections
Recognizing the way you respond to stress is a powerful way to start your self-growth journey.
Once you engage with awareness you are then able to take proactive steps to foster resilience and cultivate a healthier, more balanced life.
Whether you tend to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn, embracing your unique response with compassion and a commitment to growth is the key to transforming the impact of trauma on your present and future self.
Life By Design Therapy has therapists with trauma-informed lenses to support your journey through healing. If you’re ready to begin that journey CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation with a therapist today.
Affirmations for Trauma
I release the hold that trauma has on me, and I embrace the power of my own resilience.
I trust in my ability to cope with difficult emotions, and I allow myself the space to feel and heal.
I let go of shame and guilt; they have no place in my journey toward healing.
I am reclaiming control over my life, and I choose to focus on the positive possibilities ahead.
I am resilient, and my strength grows with each challenge I overcome.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about trauma and its effects check out these books below:
When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté M.D.
What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D
The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity" by Nadine Burke Harris
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing By Oprah Winfrey
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