Why Emotional Neglect Can Lead to People Pleasing Behaviors
By Melody Wright, LMFT
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Have you ever found yourself constantly saying "yes" to others, even when it leaves you feeling drained or unhappy?
Or maybe you've struggled with putting everyone's needs before your own, just to feel seen and appreciated.
If this sounds familiar, you might be unknowingly caught in the grip of people-pleasing behaviors, which is often a response to something deeper like emotional neglect.
Emotional neglect is a deeply painful experience that can happen even in the most seemingly stable households or relationships.
It’s the absence of emotional support, validation, or connection that can leave a person feeling unseen, unheard, and uncared for in crucial ways.
You might be surprised to learn that emotional neglect doesn’t always come with obvious signs like physical abuse, it can often be very subtle.
One of the more common and often overlooked consequences of emotional neglect is the development of people-pleasing behaviors.
Let’s talk about how this connection works to shed light on why people-pleasing develops and how it can be unlearned.
What is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect happens when a person’s emotional needs, such as affection, validation, and support, are not met by the people who are supposed to care for them.
It can manifest in different ways, like a parent being physically present but emotionally unavailable, a partner who fails to acknowledge your feelings or any situation where you’re left to cope with your emotions on your own, without the comfort or reassurance of others.
When we are children, we rely on caregivers to teach us about emotional connection.
When that doesn’t happen, we might grow up feeling as though our emotional experiences are not important, or even that we are unworthy of love and attention.
That void we feel can cause us to start looking for approval or acceptance from others, even if it means sacrificing our own needs.
If you would like to learn more about how growing up with emotional neglect can affect you, check out our blog - How Growing Up With Emotionally Unavailable Parents Still Affects You & How to Heal.
What is the Link Between Emotional Neglect and People-Pleasing?
Suppose you identify as a people-pleaser or have been told you are one. In that case, it might be rooted in a lifelong effort to manage feelings of unworthiness or fear of abandonment, which might stem from experiences of emotional neglect.
It’s no secret that it can be incredibly exhausting.
When you don’t feel valued for who you are, you might begin to seek validation through actions instead of by being your authentic self.
Here’s how emotional neglect and people-pleasing might manifest in your life…
Over-giving or over-accommodating: People-pleasers often go out of their way to make others happy, sometimes at the expense of their own comfort or happiness. This might come from the belief that love and acceptance can only be earned through actions rather than being freely given.
Fear of rejection: If emotional neglect taught you that your needs didn’t matter, you might find that you have a fear of rejection. People-pleasing can almost be like a defense mechanism, in an attempt to not rock the boat and risk being left behind by others.
Avoiding conflict: If you grew up without emotional guidance or support, conflict may feel threatening. People-pleasers will usually avoid disagreements or confrontations because they fear that standing up for themselves will lead to rejection or emotional withdrawal.
Struggling with self-worth: If you grew up in an environment where your emotions weren’t seen or valued, you might have learned to tie your sense of worth to how well you could please others. Maybe you focused on keeping the peace, making others happy, or avoiding conflict as a way to feel safe and accepted. Over time, this might have become the only way you knew how to feel valued. But when your self-worth depends on others’ approval, it can leave you feeling empty or unsure of who you are.
How Are You Being Affected By People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing can feel rewarding in so many ways.
It might make you feel good to be there for others, to help when someone’s in need, or to know you’ve made someone’s day a little easier.
Showing up for others can bring a sense of connection and purpose.
But over time, constantly putting others first can come at a cost.
You might start to feel drained, frustrated, or even disconnected from what you truly want and need.
Suppressing your own desires and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness might feel natural, but it can lead to burnout, resentment, and even feelings of anxiety or depression.
It can also make setting healthy boundaries a struggle, especially if focusing on others has always felt like the “right” thing to do.
The good news is, you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.
You can learn to care for yourself without losing the parts of you that value kindness and connection.
Breaking free starts with small steps toward honoring your own needs while still showing up for others in a way that feels balanced and fulfilling.
How Can You Heal and Break Free from People-Pleasing?
It’s important to remember that people-pleasing behaviors are not a sign of weakness or failure.
Instead these behaviors helped you survive.
Understanding where these behaviors come from is the first step toward healing and reshaping them.
Here are a few compassionate ways to begin breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies:
Acknowledge your feelings: Emotional neglect teaches you to ignore or dismiss your own emotions. Acknowledging your feelings, whether they are hurt, frustration, or fear, is the first step toward healing. You have every right to feel what you feel, and your emotions are valid.
Build self-compassion: It’s okay to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend. People-pleasers often have a harsh inner critic, and by learning to be kind to yourself and embrace imperfections, you can break the cycle of needing external validation.
Set small boundaries: Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to putting others before yourself. It’s okay to start small. Say “no” to things that don’t align with your needs or values. Remember, boundaries aren’t about rejecting others, they’re about protecting your emotional health, and yes, you’re worth that.
Seek professional support: Therapy can be a powerful tool for reshaping people-pleasing behaviors and healing from emotional neglect. A therapist can help you explore the roots of your behaviors, validate your experiences, and teach you healthier ways to navigate relationships.
Cultivate authentic connections: Surround yourself with people who value you for who you are, not just for what you do for them. Authentic, and safe relationships can help you heal and rediscover your worth.
Final Reflections
If you find yourself in the pattern of people-pleasing, remember, you are not broken or flawed.
You are a person who learned to cope in the best way you knew how.
The pain of emotional neglect is not your fault, but the path toward healing and self-love is within your reach.
With time, patience, and support, you can break free from the need to consistently please others and learn to prioritize your own needs and well-being.
Above all, remember that you are worthy of love, acceptance, and care.
Not for what you do, but simply for who you are.
If this blog resonates with you, you might find our other blogs helpful.
Explore topics like setting healthy boundaries, overcoming self-doubt, and reconnecting with your authentic self.
Each one is designed to support you on your journey to healing and personal growth.
This Weeks Affirmations
I am worthy of love and respect just as I am.
My needs and feelings are valid, even if others don’t acknowledge them.
I am learning to listen to and honor my own feelings.
I am enough, simply because I exist.
It is safe for me to prioritize my own needs.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about emotional neglect and people-pleasing check out these books below:
The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.