Am I Dating A Narcissist? Here's How To Tell
by Melody Wright, LMFT
So, you’re wondering if the person you are dating is a narcissist? As a licensed therapist, I understand how navigating the complexities of modern relationships can be challenging, and identifying a narcissist is even more so. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. If you suspect your partner might be a narcissist, it’s crucial to recognize the signs early on so you can make an empowered decision about whether you want to stay in the relationship or you choose to leave.
While this blog is not meant to minimize the impact of unhealthy behaviors on your relationship, we also want to be aware of mislabeling and pathologizing someone’s behaviors. This blog is meant to provide reflection and tools to identify narcissistic behaviors of relating to others, as well as factors to consider if you think you are dating a narcissist.
Understanding Narcissism: The Basics
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism, as defined by the American Psychiatric Association, falls under the broader category of personality disorders. Individuals with NPD exhibit patterns of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a distinct lack of empathy. They often believe they are superior to others and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement.
Types of Narcissism
There are two main types of narcissism to be aware of:
Grandiose Narcissism: This type is characterized by extroversion, dominance, and attention-seeking behavior. Grandiose narcissists are often charming but also exploitative and manipulative.
Vulnerable Narcissism: These individuals have a fragile self-esteem and are more likely to exhibit defensiveness, anxiety, and a need for constant reassurance. They are often introverted and may appear shy or humble but are equally self-absorbed.
Someone who has been diagnosed with NPD may have little regard for other people's feelings, making them challenging partners to be in a relationship with. When you're dating a narcissist, you may suffer from emotional abuse, manipulation and a lack of long-term commitment.
Does this remind you of your romantic relationship?
Here's how to tell if you might be dating a narcissist -- and what to do about it if you are dating one.
Signs You Might Be Dating a Narcissist
So, do you think you may be dating a narcissist? If you suspect your partner may have NPD, you may recognize some of the following characteristics in their behavior:
1. Excessive Need for Admiration
Narcissists have an insatiable desire for praise and recognition. They constantly seek validation and admiration, often fishing for compliments or exaggerating their achievements. If your partner frequently monopolizes conversations to highlight their accomplishments or seeks continuous affirmation, it might be a red flag.
2. Lack of Empathy
One of the hallmark traits of a narcissist is their inability to empathize with others. They struggle to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of those around them. In a relationship, this can manifest as dismissiveness of your emotions or an unwillingness to support you during tough times.
3. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Narcissists believe they are unique and special, often overestimating their abilities and achievements. They expect to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements. If your partner displays a constant sense of entitlement or believes they deserve special treatment, it could indicate narcissism.
4. Manipulative Behavior
Manipulation is a common tactic used by narcissists to control and dominate others. This can range from subtle forms of emotional manipulation to more overt actions like gaslighting. They may twist situations to make you doubt your perceptions and reality.
5. Lack of Boundaries
Narcissists often have difficulty respecting personal boundaries. They might intrude on your personal space, demand constant attention, or become overly possessive. If your partner shows little regard for your boundaries and privacy, it's a significant warning sign.
If your partner has NPD, these traits will likely manifest themselves in your relationship. For example, a narcissistic partner might be overly critical of you, fail to value you or seek excessive attention from you in your relationship.
If you're in a new relationship and worried your intense connection might be a sign of a narcissistic relationship, check out our blog on the 5 Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship That Can Be Mistaken For Emotional Intimacy.
The Impact of Dating a Narcissist
Emotional Toll
Dating a narcissist can take a severe emotional toll. Their constant need for validation and lack of empathy can leave you feeling drained and undervalued. You may find yourself constantly trying to please them, only to be met with criticism and dissatisfaction.
Erosion of Self-Esteem
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can erode your self-esteem. Their manipulative tactics and critical behavior can make you question your worth and abilities. Over time, you might find yourself feeling increasingly insecure and dependent on their approval.
Isolation
Narcissists often seek to isolate their partners from friends and family to maintain control. They may subtly undermine your relationships or create conflicts to distance you from your support network. This isolation can make it harder to recognize and escape their manipulative behavior.
What to Do If You're Dating a Narcissist
Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Your partner may engage in gaslighting behavior, making you feel you are crazy or forgetful; sabotage your relationship or other friendships; turn all the blame in the relationship towards you; or even deliver intense praise, followed by verbal abuse. All of these experiences can make you begin to doubt your own reality and start to wonder if the problem is you, rather than your partner.
So, what should you do if you suspect your partner suffers from NPD? Because NPD can take such a difficult toll on your self-esteem, it's important that you consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in, since staying in any relationship is a choice you need to make for yourself.
Here are 4 strategies to help if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
1. Setting Boundaries
Establishing and maintaining firm boundaries is crucial when dealing with a narcissist. Clearly communicate your limits and ensure they are respected. This might involve limiting the amount of time you spend together or setting rules for communication.
2. Seeking Support
Reaching out to friends, family, or a mental health professional can provide valuable support and perspective. Sharing your experiences with others can help you feel less isolated and more empowered to make decisions that are best for your well-being.
3. Focusing on Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care is essential when dealing with a narcissistic partner. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and take time to nurture your mental and emotional health. This might include hobbies, exercise, or spending time with loved ones.
4. Considering Professional Help
Therapy can be an invaluable resource for those in relationships with narcissists. A therapist can help you navigate the complexities of the relationship, develop coping strategies, and build resilience. Couples therapy might also be an option if your partner is willing to participate and work on the relationship.
Encouraging Your Partner to Seek Help
It's important not to stay in a relationship with a narcissist because you feel obligated to "fix" them. However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, you should make it clear to your partner that you will not tolerate their narcissistic behaviors and that they should seek help for their NPD.
Treatment for NPD typically consists of long-term, intensive therapy that will allow your partner to come to grips with how their disorder has impacted their life and prevented them from reaching their full potential.
You may also consider couples' therapy in addition to individual therapy for your partner's NPD since their personality disorder affects you as well as them. Involving loved ones like you in the healing process will help your partner see how their NPD has negatively affected others in their life and understand the true ramifications of their behavior.
Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave
Evaluating the Relationship
Carefully assess the dynamics of your relationship and the impact it has on your mental and emotional health. Consider whether your partner is willing to acknowledge their behavior and make meaningful changes. If the relationship is consistently harmful and your partner shows no signs of improvement, it might be time to consider leaving.
Making a Plan
If you decide to leave, having a clear plan in place can make the process smoother and less overwhelming. Ensure you have a support system in place, secure your finances, and make arrangements for a safe and comfortable living situation.
Moving Forward
Moving on from a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, but it is also an opportunity for growth and healing. Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and establishing healthy relationships. Give yourself time to process and recover from the experience.
If you’re interested in further reading, check out our blog on Compatibility and What People Get Wrong.
Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
Leaving a narcissist can feel difficult, especially since they are often charming and will shower you with praise to make up for their negative behaviors. Still, for many people, leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship is the best option.
When leaving a narcissist, it may be best to avoid contacting your ex following the relationship. That person may try to guilt you into taking the blame for the breakup or tell you what you want to hear so you will get back together for them. Taking space from that person will allow you to repair your self-esteem and get back in touch with what you really want in a relationship.
You may miss your narcissistic partner at first -- and that is completely normal. Even if your partner was emotionally and verbally abusive, you may have formed a deep attachment to them in the trauma of your relationship that can make it more difficult to leave them behind. Seeking help from a qualified therapist who can support you during the healing process may make it easier to recover from the fallout of the relationship.
books for further reading
**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on relationship growth, check out these books below: